mothers day always kind of sucks for me :/ me and my mom are no contact for reasons i wont specify but it makes me sad seeing everyone celebrate with their moms - i wish i had that kind of relationship with her.. why cant i have a good relationship with my mother too ? to be fair , she Does love me , she Does care about me , we've talked about the past and she has apologized - but i still cant get rid of all this anger in my heart - i cant forgive her and i dont know why. i know people make mistakes , i know she wants to be and do better , i know its her first time being alive too - but everytime i see her im Angry , im so fucking angry. if moms are supposed to make you feel safe then why does mine make me want to runaway and hide. its weird.. wanting a relationship with someone who makes me want to die.
this passed week has been insanely different for my healing - ive gotten a lot of mobility back ! im no longer slowly trudging around but actually Walking (i can get a good speed walk going too !!) and theres been a huge increase in my arm strength !! i started driving a little bit yesterday which was still a little bit of a struggle but its nice to know i can if i really wanted to !!! ill most likely be staying home for now though lol - i also finally got to take my wraps off for the last time on the 30th and it feels so good to not be so constricted all the time :,) i spent the last handful of days at my boyfriends which was also really nice !!! i spent a lot of time drawing , crocheting , watching anime , which really made me feel not just normal but really happy !!!! i missed being creative and doing things i enjoy :3 i also bought tomodachi life which im !!!! so !!!!!!! excited to play - i also may have gone a Bit over board at the craft store today T_T i bought sooooo much craft supplies which - to be fair - i Will use all of it , and i did have more than enough in my savings to buy it - but apart of me still feels guilty for buying So Much T_T alas future me will be thankful when i Need to do a craft and i already have the materials for it , consider it an investment in my happiness :) in other news im considering making a page on here for my hauls - i usually like spamming my friends on snapchat with a show n tell so i might as well do it on here too :3
im just really sore and swollen all the time :/ mentally feeling better now that ive been sticking to showering every other day (i had taken a total of 2 showers the first two weeks , gross i know but i was Extremely Depressed) ive also been doing light mobility exercises to help with my shoulder pain as well as my reach - ive been really slacking on my plans to walk every morning and it sucks because i Know it would really help with the swelling , but i live in florida and its soooo hot , suffocating even , so i can only walk in the morning when its cooler (or at night but thats a bit fear inducing tbhh) besides that ive been feeling kind if down with how sensitive ive been through this whole healing process in general - so many people say their experience didnt hurt 'That Bad' and i feel like every breath i take im in pain :/ that being said ive also seen people go through alot worse that me post op - so thats something i could be grateful for still - my healing is going well even if im in alot of pain. yaaay :/
im almost three weeks post op today ! which is nice :) ive been wanting this surgery for almost 10 years now and it truly is a dream come true - but im So Depressed .-. its really frustrating not being able to do things for myself - i cant cook for myself, i cant drive, i cant curl up and get cozy in bed , i cant dress up and do my hair, i just showered by myself for the first time Yesterday - all i do is sit Uncomfortably (thanks to this damn wrap T-T) and watch youtube all day :/ ive been playing stardew on and off which you can only do for so long until it you burn out - i miss driving myself places - i wanna go hiking and thrifting and GOD do i want a beer. but i cant walk for too long without getting tired , no point in buying new clothes just yet if i cant properly lift my arms to try them on and beer,,, oh beer,,,,,,, not yet :'( my posture sucks and my back and chest are always in pain - at this point im just complaining but theres not much else i can do T-T - emotionally relating to the surgery Specfically its been fine ! im starting to get use to my new chest - at my chest reveal it was.. Alot to say the least... i hadnt slept At All the night before and had to take a car trip for 5 hours Staring at 5AM - i had to get my drains taken out which had been the scariest part in my mind the Entire time (it ended up being the easiest part - having them in was significantly worse imo than taking them out) and it caused me alot of stress , not only that but the sensation of my chest being numb but still being able to feel pressure being put on it was Extremely Uncomfortable - and then one of the nurses was new and had to be taught which made the whole process even longer - i was physically shaking the entire time :/ and on top of that the shock of looking down and not seeing my boobs just Gone was ALOT - the mix of high stress, no sleep, my routine out the window, and my body looking way different than the last time i saw it - i dissociated Really Bad to the point of having to fight off multiple panic attacks :/ i was extremely overwhelmed and scared. im a very fem transmasc person- i like wearing skirts and short shorts and crop tops and while i got top surgery to be more comfortable in my body while wearing these clothes , seeing my body SO masculinized shook tf out of me. i was very much spiraling about how i have to be a Manly Man now (literally no one said that) i got top surgery to be a pretty little gay boy , not a Man. it took a while, with the help and affirmations from my best friend and boyfriend really really making a difference. it was definitely a mental hump i had to jump over for the week after , but now i feel alot better about it :) im really happy i got top surgery , and im really excited to not have to wear this binder anymore , to see my chest finally healed, to just get back to normal life really.
i've been dealing with a lot internally- my life a bit Hectic right now , there was a Big Fight amongst my friends earlier this month , work has been crazy bc we had to get prepared for corporate to come and inspect our store, my cat has been in and out vet offices since late feb (i'm currently writing this In the vet office) which so far has cost me At Least $300 every appointment, i have to change my car oil and replace the windshield wipers , and on top of it all - i'm getting top surgery in !! SIX !! DAYS !!!! it's all really chaotic right now - i also don't know if i'm going to get paid while im out of work (2 months btw) so of course the worry of bills is on my mind i just T.T im so overwhelmed by everything not to mention my own mental health bc That doesn't stop just bc i have things to do.. ughhh.... i've started journaling a lot more recently and it's been Especially helpful for my therapy sessions - writing everything down not only helps me remember how i was feeling the past week (bc it fluctuates So Bad) but also seeing it on paper lets me take a step back from how i'm feeling and really explore why i think the way i do and where those feelings might be stemming from. it's just been a lot juggling all these moving parts and coping with the stress of it all - but i'll make it through *thumbs up* there's no other option ._.